Our Story Part 5 – From Bodies to Emotions

love eyes

Initially the communication with Brad and Amy was limited to group texts which helped us compartmentalize and keep the relationship about bodies. The first hint of change was when we started texting individually and spinning off separate relationships. When we finally broke that boundary, our connection was immediate and intense. Brad and I stayed up most evenings texting the night away, sharing favorite bands and swapping life stories. This rapport fueled our sexual connection. The eye contact in the bedroom became intense as he looked deep inside me. I could not help but give myself to him when we locked eyes. However, because there was a part of me that was resistant to letting go with him, I couldn’t linger more than a couple of seconds in his gaze. He would say things like, “I want to fall into you,” or “you are the most significant relationship second to my wife.” As much as I wanted to reciprocate, I would only smile and look away bashfully. In contrast, my husband and Amy’s relationship took off like a rocket because they are naturally unguarded and run headlong into their feelings.

Over time it was as though there was a magnet was pulling us deeper and deeper into each other. We all started breaking pre-established boundaries with each other. They also had a “no separate room” rule which we broke together. They never wanted separate dating either, but we broke that too.

In fact, that was the turning point for all of us. The first separate date that Brad and I had was overwhelmingly powerful because we went to see a favorite band of ours. As he wrapped me in his strong arms, I let the music flow without resistance through my body. My emotions cascaded with each crescendo. When we sang our hearts out while holding each other, there were no more emotional barriers. Songs which had previously held no meaning for us, took on special importance and are now forever stamped with our memory.

The night following our separate date was our first separate overnight. The intensity of the solo date bled over into our time together, and the powerful feelings of connectedness struck fear at my core. All of a sudden I was faced with falling in love for someone who wasn’t my husband. When I awoke with his body pressed against mine, I felt both completely smitten and terrified. After I returned to my husband, I cried in his arms because I was afraid that I could no longer compartmentalize. The lines of our relationship were blurring and it was all moving so fast that I didn’t know what to make of it. My husband and Amy were also moving at breakneck speed and he was spooked as well. As I wept, my husband held me and reassured me that we would be okay no matter what.

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