On our date night, my husband was especially quiet with Amy to be fully present with me. However, during the movie he slipped out of the theater with his hand on his pocket. My instinct told me he was sneaking out to text her. I felt a pinch in my heart. In my mind, my husband was texting his mistress on my time with him and it made me seethe with anger.
I glared at him when he returned to his seat but he was oblivious and didn’t notice. During the movie I did my best to choke down any negative emotions but it wasn’t working. There was fear, intense fear, but I couldn’t explain it. My emotions were spinning out of control because I had not really confronted my darkest demons about opening up. On the drive home I told him how angry I was that he slipped out on my time to text Amy.
He calmly explained that she was in a place of unknowing and needed reassurance. My body quivered with disgust as I pointed out that he attended to her emotional needs before my own and how unacceptable that was to me. I wanted to bolt. I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin. When we made it home, I attempted to run upstairs to the guest room to find some solace alone but he grabbed my arms.
“DON’T TOUCH ME!” I screamed as I struggled away from him.
“Jenn!” He called after me, but I was having none of it. He was stunned at my outburst. We never have explosive fights. He reached out for me once again.
“Leave me ALONE!” This time I violently ripped my arms away from him and tore my sweater. I ran upstairs sobbing hysterically and slammed the door. He came after me but I refused to let him in.
I fell back on the bed in a full body sob. My mind was racing. What the hell is wrong with me?! What am I feeling? Fear? What is my fear? I kept trying examine the darkest parts of my psyche for clarity but there was nothing.
We spend years protecting ourselves from our deepest fears. We build thick walls to keep from peering inside because it is terrifying to confront. Anytime we get close to seeing, we push our emotions onto others instead of sitting to understand them. I had been carrying a demon on my back and doing everything in my power to keep from facing it directly. This time, I was determined to see.
I embraced the fear and turned into it. I imagined I was on a jagged cliff looking into an abyss. Out of the pit came a demon claw-like hand that reached upwards. My soul was trembling but I stood strong. Without warning, the hand forcibly penetrated my chest and clutched my heart. The hand squeezed until I was certain my heart would stop beating, but my gaze did not waver from the darkness. Finally, the flash of insight clapped inside my skull like lightening.
I’m afraid that I am unlovable….
When this thought pierced my mind, I was reduced feeling more helpless than a baby. Never before was I consciously aware of this. Yet, I was afraid that Brad rejected me because I was deeply and innately flawed. I was afraid that my husband and Amy loved each other because they were lovable, but that Brad didn’t love me because I wasn’t. I was afraid that opening up our relationship would destine me to seeing my husband fall in love over and over again while I would be constantly rejected. This is why the relationship imbalance bothered me. I wanted what my husband and Amy had because I wanted to feel deserving of love. When I wasn’t getting that from Brad, it fed into my insecurity. My emotional outbursts were the manifestations of that fear.
The pain that came up from my inner core scared me. Old wounds rushed up and overwhelmed my senses. I didn’t recognize my voice as I cried out in rolling waves of anguish. I hugged my inner child and mourned.
As I comforted myself, the demon released its hold and the healing began.